December 12 – Body Integration This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?
I've never understood people who say that they were in so much pain they wished they were dead. It's just not a sentiment I understand, and in 2010 I spent some time in more pain that I thought possible.
In early July, I was diagnosed with peritonitis, an infection and inflammation of the lining of the abdominal cavity, and one of the more common complications of peritoneal dialysis.
Within a matter of hours, I went from feeling a little “off” to my entire physical self feeling like it was on fire; I was aware of every cell of my being, and every movement, things as small as breathing, set the pain off again, coursing through my body.
There wasn't a mind and body, because my whole mind was consumed by the pain; I was convinced it would never end, and it seemed like an eternity (It was actually about 3 days)
I know now that I am able to handle more than I would have thought; surgical pain I can handle; the medications always help, but this time, even the massive doses of painkillers couldn't touch this pain.
My feeling of the pain fades with time, but the memory of it reminds me always.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that kind of pain. May it never happen again!
I once might have agreed with you, not understanding how anyone could be in that much pain. But as someone who's been struggling with fibromyalgia for the past two years, I get it now. It's not so much the pain that does it — I can handle a day or three or five with intense pain — but the never-ending nature of the pain. When you don't know what will help or when it will end, and if there is a very real chance it will NEVER end, it's a different story.
That being said, I'm sorry you had to go through your pain.
Lizz, that is horrifying! I know someone who struggled with peritonitis and it is very serious.
I'm hoping you're doing much better now, but that description of your pain was so vivid it's going to stay with me for a while. Take care!