This was written for The Red Dress Club‘s memoir writing project, Remembe(red). Concrit is always welcome, and thanks for taking the time!
The prompt:
Word limit: 600 My count: 505
We were the only house on the court with a pool. In a neighborhood full of kids, with two or more at every house, and babies being born on a seemingly weekly basis, this made my sister and me pretty popular on summer break.
While other kids were stuck running through sprinklers or shooting the hose at each other, we had a sparkling blue lagoon of our very own, complete with diving board and an automatic vacuum that drove aimlessly around the deep end.
The neighborhood kids were all friends back then, so we often ended up hosting impromptu pool parties, with my mom sitting in her patio chair, feet propped up, drinking sun tea and reading the latest VC Andrews.
When I was eight, our older (read: 11 year old) neighbor, Lauren, got a new bathing suit. It didn't look like much, it was a basic mailliot, with skinny straps and modestly cut legs. Even though it was the most beautiful shade of purple ever, like the sun shining through a glass of Welch's grape juice, it appeared, to my eye, to “just” be a bathing suit.
And then Lauren got in the water.
When she emerged from the pool, everything was different. Her formerly plain suit was now printed with words! Sassoon logos, in a neat diagonal pattern, crisscrossed her body where there had only been solid color before she had jumped in the water! It was magic! The latest in fabric technology, these logos only appeared when wet, and we all watched in awe as the suit dried in the warm summer sun, slowly fading the logos and returning to suit to solid.
“You're so lucky, Lauren!” It was just she and I, sitting on the corner of the pool, dangling our feet in the water. “That's the best bathing suit ever!”
“Yeah, it's pretty rad,” she agreed.
“No,” I emphasized. “You're SO lucky! Lucky duck!” I started singing the words over and over in a singsong voice. “Lucky duck! Lucky duck! Lucky duck!” Not thinking this is getting my point across, I start playing with the words. “Lucky ducky! Lucky a'uck! Lucky buck! Luck cuck! Lucky duck! Lucky e'uck!” That one doesn't work as well, so we pause to giggle over the ridiculousness of the word I'd just invented. Seeing I have my friend's full attention, I quickly get back to the alphabet. “Lucky fuc–”
The word isn't even out of the my mouth before Lauren's jaw drops and she stares at me in horror. Her melodramatic gasp stops me mid-song.
As what I'd just done sinks in, I look slowly around to see who else might have heard me. My mom is chatting on the phone. I'm hearing words like snack, troop, girls, September. She must be talking to Mrs. Lillis, her co-leader for my Brownie troop. My head swivels in search of my sister; she'd tattle on me for sure. I'm clear. She's elsewhere doing whatever it is five year olds do.
I'm safe.
“Lucky guck! Lucky huck! Lucky iuck!”
******
If you're willing to leave concrit (thanks!) can you please tell me one thing specifically? Reading it back now, the opening feels a little bitchy to me; like we thought we were SO COOL for having a pool in our backyard, but it wasn't like that at all… it was just a fact. We had the pool where all of our friends chose to hang out…
hahaha fantastic!!
You described my backyard now…and the hose we had as a child 😉
I've stopped by from TRDC
We were the kids with the hose, and still are! LOL
I'm not good at the concrit. I thought it was amusing and seemed to flow pretty smoothly. I didn't pick up on anything bitchy. The only thing was I thought today's prompt was supposed to be a real memory, but maybe I missed something.
To answer your concrit question I think if you changed the word, stuck in this sentence that would relieve some of the tone issues you are asking about, "While other kids were stuck running through sprinklers or shooting the hose at each other,"
If you maybe reconstructed the sentence so it read something like, Our sparkling blue lagoon provided more cooling summer relief then can be had from the water of hoses and sprinklers…
I love the Lucky Duck part because I felt like I could taste your jealousy over that suit and that's exactly the kind of conversations that kids that age have.
Lizz, this read like a well written memory. I believe every word! (B/c I'm pretty sure I played that same game or my little sister did.)
And that suit, SO JEALOUS!
Yep, I would have wanted to be at your house for sure! Love the description of the swimsuit color like the glass of grape juice.
Glad your Mom didn't hear… ;P
This line is too cool: "an automatic vacuum that drove aimlessly around the deep end."
Oh, now I just read your end comments, and here I wrote how cool that line was, but no, I didn't find it cocky at all. Actually, I loved it (but I had a pool, too!).
And OMG! I totally remember those bathing suits. Seriously I do. And the Sassoon, that cracked me up. Gosh, remember those jeans? Wow!
I am not sure if I felt that the bathing suit detail was too much. I almost think you could have done without these extra words:
"The latest in fabric technology, these logos only appeared when wet, and we all watched in awe as the suit dried in the warm summer sun, slowly fading the logos and returning to suit to solid." Maybe reduce the number of exclamation points before it and end at *magic* and you'll be all set. I keep trying to decide if those lines were needed, so my concrit there is kind of weak. 😉
But I do have one other comment, you say the other kids were stuck w. their hoses and sprinklers, but then you say they always came over, so that part is a little bit patchy for me.
I am checking in from Twitter and no, this doesn't read like fiction to me, I felt it to be a real memory. Hope my comments make sense, please let me know if they don't!
I think the beginning sounds fine. And I laughed a little bit at "Lucky fuc–". I could just picture the look of horror on Laurie's face…
I thought this was fun. I didn't think it was bitchy.
If I had to offer something, I would say I could live without the exclamation points in the text (not the dialogue). I understand why they are there–because this is the 8 year old's memory–but I just don't like them. The ones in the dialogue are perfect.
Oh that had me in fits of laughter! Fits I tell ya!
i loved this memory that the prompt brought back for you. i remember that fabric technology also, and so jealous you had a pool!!!
I loved swimming, also grew up with a pool, I so wish that we had one now, and for the record: I devoured VC Andrews books! 🙂
I loved this fun story. I could picture the "rd" bathing suit and the fun you two were having.
As for your question- Nope. It didn't come across negatively at all. Just a fun memory!
I didn't get any negativity about having a the only pool. The jealousy over that magical suit came through loud and clear though.
And I love the song, and the OMG moment.