To forgive.
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This was written for The Red Dress Club‘s memoir writing project, Remembe(red). Concrit is always welcome, and thanks for taking the time!
This week's prompt is about forgiveness. Forgiving others, forgiving yourself. Write about a time of forgiveness.
Word limit: 600 My count: 599
“Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.”
I just sat there, speechless, taking it.
“I'm more in love with the idea of you, than actual you.
“I don't want kids. I think I'm more cut out to be the fun uncle.
“I don't think I could get it up for you even if I wanted to.
“You did this to me. This handwashing thing is because you made me go into The City.
“Maybe it's you. Maybe I'm not your type,” his expression making clear that he was questioning my sexual preference.
I glanced at the audience listening to this with me, hoping for support. All I found was his mom, my mother-in-law, playing idly with the melting ice and whisky in her glass.
When he had finished his tirade, I followed him out to our car and we went home. I was 22 years old.
This wasn't the first time; these verbal attacks had happened off and on throughout our relationship. Running late getting home from the mall with a girlfriend, his first reaction was outrage, not concern. I remember him bellowing at me if I forgot to change my shoes and clothes quickly enough upon getting home from running errands; absolute chaos that would rain down if I dropped something on the sidewalk in San Francisco, and he would throw and break things to emphasize a point.
When I came home from work a few weeks later, I found a note. “I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. I still love you. Maybe in the future.” I think he even signed it with a heart. Even then, I was already working on forgiveness
I specifically remember thinking “I'm hoping to have moved on to something better by the time ‘the future' rolls around. Sorry, dude.”
I spent some time mourning my loss; not that he was gone, but that my plans were all messed up now. Marrying at 20 hadn't been in the plan, but once it was, I had shifted things around to make it fit my plan. I certainly hadn't planned to divorce at 22! I just needed a bit of time to adjust my worldview.
As soon as the lease on “our” apartment was up, I moved in with a friend, and we set up a nice little life for ourselves. We spent the weekends partying and hanging out at local bars, I worked during the week… life was good. I often joked that I should have sent my ex a thank you note, because if he hadn't left, I might still have been trapped in that miserable life I was destined for.
I didn't actually realize that I'd forgiven him until after I got sick. He'd heard I was in the hospital and called, wanting to send his thoughts. My sister told him that I'd try to call him back at some point, but I never did. I didn't need to talk to him.
All I felt for him, honestly, was pity. He had been a man in the grip of mental illness; the obsessive-compulsive disorder that ruled his life (and mine) hadn't been his fault. The horrible things he'd said to me weren't entirely his fault. Holding a grudge was pointless and a waste of energy.
So I let it go and moved on.
He sent me a Facebook message a couple of months back, complimented me on my family, and said he was glad I appeared happy. I asked about his folks, and sent on my regards. I signed that message
Take Care of Yourself,
Lizz
and meant it.
thank you for telling some of your backstory here. I always appreciate learning more about people, and your post is certainly timely for me. I am glad you were able to forgive him.
Wow. I think my first response, as a life-long obsessive-compulsive myself, is outrage at his words and actions. You did good work – I love it when my expectations are shaken. And I always expect to sympathize with others who have OCD.
You don't need "had" so much before your verbs. (had finished, had happened, had shifted) Unless it's being used to make a time distinction, it just takes some of the power away from your verbs.
Love the Facebook sign-off. Makes it all so tangible for me.
Great work!
Bobbi
Good job. I love the line "All I felt for him, honestly, was pity" it really shows that you have forgiven him and moved on. Not to be critical, but the post is a little wordy for me. Too much not about the relationship, you, or forgiving him. It is great that you were big enough to realize that the best thing was to move on. Enjoyed your post.
This started off with me thinking one way, and realizing it wasn't that way as I kept reading. His comments were shocking to say the least, and I wish that you had clarified more on why you don't think its entirely his fault for my own peace of mind.
This story spans time very well. I don't even notice the gap between his leaving and you being sick, then having your own family. You weaved it well. I definitely enjoyed reading it.
I love those sayings that help us let go and move on. I will use the one you've quoted. One I've used is "Failure to forgive is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die" but you can substitute other things for that 'failure to forgive' part… I've used 'hatred' there, too.
This is a powerful and expressive piece. And as the previous poster wrote, it is nice to have a window into your past and know a little more about where you've been 🙂 It must feel so good to be where you are now.
Thanks for sharing this.
Sometimes things happen for the best. When we are so young, it is hard to see that. This was beautifully written.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here. It can't have been easy to write!
Your opening is so strong, so solid. The quote followed by the cruelty drew me right in.
You came full circle at the end, too which I think is always a nice touch.
Does it sound trite to say that I think you're brave and strong? I mean it. Truly.
My favorite part was what you thought when reading his note. How could I not cheer you on there?!
Once you got going this was great.
Some concrit – I think the beginning is a little confusing and you may not need it, maybe if you worked it into the piece?
Always wonderful to read what you write Lizz!
I think you did a great job with this piece. I liked how you showed a lot of examples of the tirades that he would go on. Really drew me in, imagining him saying these awful things to you. The quote at the beginning really works. I'm not a huge quote person, but it worked here. At the end I really did feel that you'd truly forgiven him.
I agree with everything that Elena said. I would also add that I appreciate your insight that you were mourning your loss of your plans, not your loss of him. That rang very true to me.
First let me say this was well written.
I want to give you honest concrit but I'm torn: do you eliminate the facebook note to allow more evidence of the pain he extolled or do you tighen up the evidence section to allow you more room to show your forgiveness.
Sorry, I don't know which direction I would take this, but these were the thoughts in my head. Its pretty damn good as is.
Wow. Good for you! For moving on, for forgiving!
I agree we don't get as much of a feeling of why this wasn't his fault as you obviously feel reflecting back, and that is fine. I just wanted to say that so you know why I'm still mad at him, all the while being proud of you for staying strong. You did what you needed to do to survive!
I have to ask … Where were you? When his mom was sitting there? I needed to see more of where you were so I could feel you better. I just wanted to smack him, but if you were in her home I'd have wanted to smack her, too, your former MIL. I suppose in a post about forgiveness I should probably not say that. But sorry. It's true. 😉
You drew me in with the initial tirade. It was so…raw and unexpected.
This is a hard one for me to offer concrit. It almost felt like it could have been two posts. (That dang word limit!) I could tell there was so much more hanging in the background.
Great job!
I think you've gotten some good con crit, and I don't want do detract from your powerful piece. The one thing I did want to mention, though, is that you have a dangling participle: "Running late getting home from the mall with a girlfriend, his first reaction was outrage…" *I* knew what you meant, but my first impression was, "What was he doing at the mall with a girlfriend?" 🙂 Your sentence would have been clearer (and more effective) like this: "If I was late coming home after shopping at the mall with a girlfriend, his first reaction was outrage…."
I think you have the genesis of a much longer piece here, with that flippant, cowardly letter as a catalyst for the story.
I'm proud of you.
One more thing…the little bit of description about the mother-in-law "playing idly with the melting ice and whisky in her glass…." Very evocative and effective.
Powerful story to tell, Lizz. Thank you for sharing it. Knowing you personally, I can't concrit here. I'm too taken with who you are and how this was part of your journey.