My kid is perfect.

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angelicPlease allow me to share with you just some of the attributes of his perfection.

  • He knows the exact noise level I can deal with at any given moment and manages to maintain at *exactly* 1 dB below my threshold, so it's a sustained annoyance instead of something I can just tell him to stop.
  • He can open his own car door whenever he wants, even when buckled into his seat.
  • He is always thinking so many important things all the time, that there's no room for your petty thoughts, such as “Brush your teeth” or “Please put your dishes in the sink”
  • He knows that when you say, “I'm on the phone, I need a few minutes alone please,” what you really mean is “COME CLIMB ON MY LAP RIGHT NOW!”
  • He loves to read over my shoulder when I'm on the computer. (Yeah. That's why I've been missing #wineparty lately)
  • He is capable of sitting quietly, smiling, until my finger presses the shutter on the camera.
  • He thinks bodily noises are the funniest thing every and can't wait to share the joy. With the entire _____ (Insert grocery store, elevator, classroom, Target bathroom, etc)
  • He “allows” me to use “his” iPhone for making phone calls and getting my work done.
  • He's excellent at that tickling that's really just poking you in your squishy parts.
  • He knows the exact number of times he can ask a question before I cross over from patient Mommy of inquisitive preschooler to exploding monster.
  • He doesn't ever forget a damn thing. Like that time I said “damn.”
  • He believes his turds are works of art and need to be regarded and admired accordingly.
  • He knows I have magic powers and can create a quesadilla *poof* immediately, I'm just not willing to use them.
  • He can easily clear a room with a fart if he so chooses.
  • He tells an (apparently) engrossing, yet meandering story with no true beginning, middle or end.
  • When he makes a noise he isn't supposed to (this weird screech/grunt thing) he immediately follows it up with an apology, so it comes out like “Greeeech-sorry”

Can you imagine being THAT GOOD at everything you attempted? Wow.
What is your kid perfect at? (See also: Spouses)

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2 Comments

  1. So…I swung by from Twitter to see just HOW tall you are. Umm…do you document that anywhere on this site? I caught the “taller than I appear on the net part,” but I feel that I need a number to go with it. 6 feet? 7? Do tell. {I’m 5’8″}

    Also – Yup. That kiddo of yours is PERFECT. So jelly.

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