Mom Bod: 7 things no one tells you

This post is brought to you in partnership with Acorn Influence; compensation was received, all opinions are my own.

So ladies, let’s talk about stuff our bodies do. I’m not talking about the basic things, like breathing and thinking and those important functions. I’m talking about the newer things that your body does; “skills” if you will, that you develop as you get older, have babies, and generally pass the time that is life.

Some of the skills are helpful, some are useless, and some? Well, you’ll totally see what I’m talking about. (But they’re anything but useful.)

1. Regurgitative Premonitions

You just know, often even before they do. In infancy, this can be remedied with an extra spit-up cloth tucked under the chin. Later in childhood though, the premonitions become stronger and you may be able to supply the needed receptacle even before anything terrible happens (to the upholstery).

2. The Spastic Plastic Reflex

While you hear many tales of stepped-on LEGO pieces, you’d actually be surprised at how many close calls there are, after a few years of parenting into the LEGO age. The Spastic Plastic Reflex is the ability to catch one’s foot before putting all of your weight down on it, preventing the pain of all pains when you actually do step down all the way.

3. Nocturnal Spatial Occupancy Reduction

You bought that king size bed so you and your spouse would have space for sleeping. Who knew that you wouldn’t be the one taking up most of the space. When combined with Pediatric Sleep Spatial Expansion, it can make even a California King feel like a tiny cot. Fortunately, a parent’s Nocturnal Spatial Occupancy Reduction allows them to fit their body on approximately 6″ of bed space and still get a moderately restful night’s sleep. I say moderately because…

4. Mombie Eyes

Not sleeping in large blocks of time, and instead finding yourself up late/up early, there can be a constant zombie-like, bloodshot appearance to the eyes. Often accompanied by continuous yawning and increased coffee consumption.

5. Swaybee by Proxy

It was necessary when you were cradling your sweet child in your arms. Rocking them to sleep, trying to keep them from crying, swaying with a baby, also known as “swaybee.” Once your own child has grown past the babe-in-arms stage, however, this will convert to “swaybee by proxy,” which can start during conversation with someone who is currently holding a baby, or in more severe cases, just spotting a baby being swayed can trigger the reaction.

6. Jumpeeing

Remember gleefully jumping on trampolines? Beds? Sofas? The ground? Remember when you could do that joyous thing with not a care in the world? Yeah, that’s probably not happening so much any more with your mombod. Thank goodness for Poise, amirite?

7. Snissing

Maybe the worst of the worst, it’s basically bladder betrayal. There you are, minding your own business, not even HAVING to pee, and then ah-choo! Yup. Snissing. Ugh.